Mostly Harmless
by Jestes
Summary: Tsukune never really liked sun. He did love tomato juice tough. And one day he gets a surprising visit from a Chairman of Youkai Academy who, for some reason, thinks Dracula is his grandpa... Yeah, as if that could ever happen. Right?
1. Chapter 1

**Mostly Harmless**

_Tsukune never really liked sun. He did love tomato juice tough. And one day he gets a surprising visit from a Chairman of Youkai Academy who, for some reason, thinks Dracula is his grandpa... Yeah, as if that could ever happen. Right?_

* * *

CHAPTER I

It was sunny outside, which was normal.

The sky was clear and as per his usual routine Tsukune decided to spend the day inside. His parents were working which was particularly normal. The TV was turned on which was also normal.

The hooded figure sitting on his couch was not.

Wearing a bizarre robe made of white silk, the man – for no woman would disgrace herself with such a monstrous attire – radiated the kind of weirdness that only regular heroin addicts could envision. From within the shadows of the face two glowing eyes were visible, each as terrifying as the other.

"So let me get this straight..." started Tsukune, "What you're basically saying is that Dracula – Dracula? – is my great grandfather? Is that what you're saying?"

"Yes, that's precisely what I'm saying."

"Not to be rude or anything but..."

"Yes?"

"You're full of shit."

"Ah."

Tsukune frowned and stared at the nutcase sitting on his couch. Finally, he shook his head.

"Look. I don't know who you are, and frankly, I don't really give a shit if you're seeing things or whatever, as long as you leave me alone, that's fine. If you get lost now, I won't call the hospital and we'll all be happy. What do you say? Huh?"

The hooded figure gave Tsukune an evil grin

"Tell me, did you ever get the feeling that you don't really fit in? That you don't belong with these people?"

"I'm a teenager – what do you think?"

"Hm." The man's grin widened and Tsukune realized that he sounded suspiciously defensive.

"I mean, millions of people around the world feel like they don't fit in, you can't honestly expect all of them to drink blood and fly about, can you?"

"No, of course not."

"Ha! See?"

"Hmm... You look very pale. Does your skin get red when you're outside for too long?"

Reluctantly, Tsukune nodded.

"...Yeah."

"And I suppose you like tomato juice as well, hm?"

"It's my favorite."

The evil grin widened even more and, for some unexplainable reason, Tsukune knew that his immediate future was about to turn upside down.

"Tell me, young man, did you ever hear about the Youkai Academy?"

* * *

A Oneshot. Or a prologue. Or something.


	2. Chapter 2

**Mostly Harmless**

_Tsukune never really liked sun. He did love tomato juice tough. And one day he gets a surprising visit from a Chairman of Youkai Academy who, for some reason, thinks Dracula is his grandpa... Yeah, as if that could ever happen. Right?_

* * *

CHAPTER II

_'A vampire? Is that what I am?'_

Sitting in a school bus, Tsukune couldn't help but let his mind wonder. The countryside outside passed by and he found himself contemplating the deeper meaning of his existence. Besides, there really wasn't anything better to do.

Inside the bus, there was no one but him and the bus driver, a strange fellow with glowing eyes – a trick of light, he was sure – and a Cuban cigar.

They entered a dark tunnel and Tsukune caught a brief flash of his pale face.

_'Really? A vampire? Shouldn't I be super-handsome and strong and have top marks and a cute girlfriend without even trying?'_

He was pretty much the opposite. His figure was lanky and bony, his face unusually pale with a mope of dusty brown hair. He was never particularly strong – although there were a couple of strange incidents – and his marks were average, even though he revised a lot.

Overall, he was just a guy.

There were, however, instances of his so called 'vampirism'.

Like that time when he was incredibly thirsty and even six bottles of tomato juice didn't help. Or that time when he got so angry during PE that he crushed a basketball in his hands. Or even his pale complexion. Both of his parents were reasonable tanned but more then a couple of hours of sunlight and his skin was turning angry red.

That was partially why he was here. If the chairman was, somehow, miraculously, right and Tsukune was indeed a vampire than...

Well... kudos? He wasn't quite sure of what would happen then but it would surely involve lots of girls falling in love with him and a general admiration of the entire school.

Yeah, right. As if that would happen.

The second – and much bigger reason for why he decided to join Youkai Academy was quite simple.

No other school would admit him.

That was pretty much it. His entire reason for choosing this school simmered down to the lack of choice.

"Well, that's it. We're here, sonny."

"Hm?" he asked, watching as two rows of glowing teeth formed a grin under the cap of a bus driver.

_'That's some powerful toothpaste.'_

"It's the end of the road. We're here."

"Oh." he looked out of the window, "But we're not anywhere near the school."

The bus driver gave a baritone chuckle.

"We prefer it when students get a better look at the campus. It makes a bigger... impact."

_'Weird.'_

"Oh, and one more thing, sonny."

"What?"

"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition."

The doors of the bus closed, accompanied by mad laughter.

_'Somehow, I get a feeling that I have just been insulted.'_

He began to whistle.

_'Nah. Probably some weird way of saying goodbye.'_

* * *

On the way to the Academy, Tsukune has noticed many things. Chief amongst them was the red sea, which he ignored with practised ease. Throughout his life he had managed to master the art of ignoring things – a particularly useful skill, considering the many weird things that happened near his vicinity.

It kept him reasonably sane.

Of course, he couldn't ignore the dead trees and bushes and the never ending lines of gravestones. Not that it bothered him that much. It gave the place a nice, rustic feeling.

What did bother him was – a raven.

More precisely, a raven that was stalking him.

"Look," he said, turning around to stare at the offending avian, "I know what you're doing here. I mean – for God's sake – you're not even being discrete about it. So, who sent you?"

"Krak?"

"Yes, you. Who sent you? Huh, mister I'm a bird, no one will suspect I'm stalking someone? You've been following me for a mile now. Jumping from branch to branch, always following me with your weird eyes. You think that fooled me? Hah! Joke's on you, bird!"

"Krak."

"Yeah? Well fuck you too!"

"Krak, krak krak krak."

The raven flew away, flapping it's mighty wings angrily.

"_'We're not even the same specie.' _Tch. Smart ass bird. Getting the last word and then running away. It just can't get any better then that, can it? Loosing an argument with a bird – God, this is probably the worst day of my life."

Tsukune should have known not to say it by now.

After years of oddities and weird happenings that surrounded his person, he should have known that saying something like that would inevitably cause the universe to fuck him over. Unfortunately, he was too angry for getting his intellectual ass handed to himself by a bird.

That's why, the next thing he knew, he was ran over by a bike.

And then, something pink landed on him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Mostly Harmless**

_Tsukune never really liked sun. He did love tomato juice tough. And one day he gets a surprising visit from a Chairman of Youkai Academy who, for some reason, thinks Dracula is his grandpa... Yeah, as if that could ever happen. Right?_

* * *

CHAPTER III

She was beautiful.

Her aristocratic, pale features were framed by pink her and her lovely, full lips pouted cutely. A pair of green eyes gazed at him in confusion, her brows furrowed. With that beautiful face and those high-set cheeks she looked like a princes – or a porcelain doll, so easy to break. She was the most beautiful girl he ever saw.

She was the vision of innocence and purity.

And she smelled delicious.

"I'm sorry I crashed into you – I'm anemic, you see. Sometimes I just get dizzy all of a sudden and- Are you alright?"

Tsukune couldn't anwser.

He was too thirsty.

He was thirsty before – many times, in fact – and he was well aware that his love of tomato juice wasn't exactly normal but this...

It was as if he never drank before in his life. Suddenly, there was this uncontrollable thirst – a thirst that demanded to be sated. With each second he could only think of the way the girl's neck pulsed invitingly.

Her sweet blood.

Tantalizing him.

Tsukune wasn't sure what happened next. He was so thirsty and she smelled so delectably and her blood would be so warm.

In a daze, he leaned forward.

And then he bit her.

The world disappeared. There was only her blood.

Filling him.

Making him soar in heaven and burn in hell.

Defining his very being.

Tsukune wasn't sure how long he sat on the ground, drinking the girl's blood. He wasn't sure what exactly happened.

There was only one thing he was sure of.

_'This is totally better than sex.'_

* * *

The blood induced high ended slowly.

Still, as soon as he was somewhat coherent, Tsukune pulled away from the girl's neck. Face flushed, he rubbed his neck in embarrasment. What the hell was he supposed to say?

He grinned.

"I'm sorry," he started, "But it's just that I'm a vampire."


	4. Chapter 4

**Mostly Harmless**

_Tsukune never really liked sun. He did love tomato juice tough. And one day he gets a surprising visit from a Chairman of Youkai Academy who, for some reason, thinks Dracula is his grandpa... Yeah, as if that could ever happen. Right?_

* * *

CHAPTER IV

"So you didn't know about your true nature before?"

Nodding with resignation, Tsukune anwsered for the third time.

"The Headmaster told me when he gave me the papers to sign up."

"Oh, it must have been terrible!"

He sighed.

Moka, as it turned out, was also a vampire. Tsukune wasn't quite sure if vampieres were common or if it was a 'hip' thing to be these days but she certainly didn't seem to be any more vampirish then him. He expected something more intimidating, or perhaps someone less naive and childish.

"Ano... but how could you not find out all these years?"

"Well, the Headmaster said something about my blood not waking up or whatever. You think you could help me with that?"

"Really?" there was a strange look of longing in her eyes – something he couldn't reall identify.

"Yeah, sure. I mean, I might as well learn all about it now that I'm in this school."

A smiled blosomed on her face, radiant and beautiful.

Then she started talking.

"You'll need to take lessons, obviously. To wake up your vampire blood you'll need to act just like a vampire – or have some sort of external stimulus."

Tsukune did not ask what the external stimulus was, exactly.

"Obviously the first method is preferable," she continued, "Since it's much less dengerous and the rate of success is higher. It's quite simple, you see. All you have to do is pretend to be a vampire for long enough and sooner or later you'll _think _of yourselve as a vampire and after that your blood will awaken."

All throughout her explenation, Tsukune dreaded only one thing.

_'Let it be something simple and not evil, let it be something simple and not evil...'_

"So, do I have to kill a baby or something?"

"What? Don't be silly."

_'Thank God.'_

"You'll just have to plan a project for world domination – or maybe release an ancient monster. Oh, how about a treasure hunt for an extremaly powerful artifact?"

"I'll... think about it."

_'How the hell am I going to explain this to my parents?'_


End file.
